The Seed

what_s-in-a-seedI came across a seed one day. The encounter was quite unexpected, there right out in the open a seed for all to see. Others saw the seed too, but passed it by, not seeing the seed’s potential. I saw it; I saw what this lonely, forgotten seed could become. I pictured it growing, sprouting and digging its roots deep into the fertile ground. Rising from the earth with power and grace; spreading its branches in all directions. I pictured it blossoming with flowers overflowing with sweet smelling nectar. I all but imagined the juicy, sweet fruit it would bear, oh this amazing unique little seed

With high hopes, I gently picked up the seed and ran home to plant it. I buried the seed deep in fertile ground, giving it what I felt it needed to grow. I watered it, I fertilized it, and I gave it plenty of sunshine. At first I convinced myself that I saw it begin to sprout. Yes, there it is, I think I see it sprouting. I am so excited for this seed to begin to grow, but I knew it would take time; I would have to be patient. All good things come to those who wait.

Days became weeks and the seed remained the same. It just needs more water, I thought so I gave it more water. It just needs more fertilizer, so I gave it more fertilizer. It just needs more sunshine, so I gave it more sunshine. This little seed is going to be strong and fortified with all the care I am giving it. Time marches on and still the seed does not appear to have grown at all. Oh little seed, what more could you possibly need to grow?

Time is impatient and continues to march forward. Water, Sunshine, Fertilizer I can spare but, can I spare the time? Should I invest any more time and effort into you little seed? I should cut my losses and come to terms with the facts. No matter how much water, fertilizer and sunshine I give it, this seed will not grow. No matter how much time I give this little seed, it will not grow. This little seed is simply just a seed and the only way it will reach the skies in the belly of a bird.

I once came across a little seed; I picked it up and planted in fertile land. I watered it, I fertilized it, I gave it plenty of sunshine and yet the seed remained a seed. It did not grow or sprout; it did not dig its roots deep into the soil and it certainly did not bare sweet, juicy fruit. Seed, you were a leap of faith that I took and although after all I invested in you, you did not grow I was still able to gain something from my attempts at helping you grow. I learned that not all seeds will sprout, not all seeds will bear fruit, not all seeds are meant to rise up out of the earth with dignity and grace, some seeds, are just food for the birds. In the end they are destined to be nothing more than shit.

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Poetry of Life

I see my life as a journey, at times it has been very challenging and other times very rewarding. Even though I am far from a professional poet, I do find writing very therapeutic.  When my emotions are flared up, I tend to write to express my inner turmoil and when things are going great I tend to write to express my inner peace. Throughout my life I have written many short stories, poems, and even songs. I find that writing helps me put things into perspective and express what I am feeling at that particular time. The following in a few poems I have written over the years, each one was written either during a high or a low point in my life. It’s funny how when I read them again, I immediately get transported back to that moment and all the emotions I felt then are re-visited.  I now share these moments with you. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did writing them.

 

Motherhood

Years ago when I too was new
I set out to prove to the world
what I was sure I could do.

Young, stubborn, and over confident
there was no plan  I simply had no clue
A young mother of three,
no father just me.

My small family was all that mattered.
Time passed and life grew harder.
Tears love and laughter I scattered.
Like seeds in a garden they grew,
from small needy boys to men strong and true.

The oldest strong confident and steady
the one I leaned on the most,
even though at times he did not seem ready.

The second made of gold,
my shoulder to cry on
my heart he does hold.

The youngest witty and sharp
my funny bone, my smile,
my laughter through the dark.
A blessing from above
I blessing I was never truly worthy of.
My one true purpose my greatest accomplishment.
My children my pride my crowning achievement.

 

The Edge

As I stand on the edge
Toes wrapped tightly around the ledge
I look down into the darkness, black as coal.
I see it threatens to engulf my heart and soul.

Should I give in?
Unclench my toes & leap right in?
After all my struggles I begin to see I have brought this agony upon me.
The choices I have made will not let me be
They have returned to haunt me.

Who should I blame for my pain?
There are so many I could blame
That I fear I will go insane.
But, to blame one I must blame them all
The truth is this was my call.

Where do I go from here?
I refuse to shed yet another tear.
I know I must have a plan
To deal with this problem at hand.
Only then will I be able to unleash my heart and soul
From this darkness, black as coal.

I must weigh my pros and cons
Make my decision and then wait for the dawn.
Hopefully the dawn will bring piece of mind
So I never again find myself in this bind.

I have now learned from my mistakes.
All that’s left for me to do
Is to apply what I know is true
For now I know what’s truly at stake.

 

 Hold me 

Hold me close and don’t let go;
I’m so scared to be alone.
I’ve been by myself for too long,
And always had to be strong.
Now I only want to rest;
And lay my head on your chest.
Hold me close and don’t let go;
These wars I fight no one knows.
Now whisper how you love me,
Say it tender and softly.
I am weary and soon will sleep,
But with you no longer will I weep.
So hold me close and don’t let go,
For I never want to be alone.

Confusion and Despair

You made me want what you knew you could not give me.
You reignited the love we once had
but now there’s only heartache dwelling within me.

I understand you’re sorry and I’m flattered that you care.
But at night when I reach for you,  you are not there.
I don’t understand how you forgot about me
and all the wonderful moments that we share.
But you chose a life without me.
and that was more than I could bear.

Despite all the pain you caused me,
I swallowed my pride and begged you to stay.
But you refused and walked away.

You walked away from a love so sweet and deep.
Devastated and damaged I did nothing but weep.
You chose to embark on a new life devoid of me.
I never imagined I’d be so easily forgotten and replaced, you see.

Although you made your choice.
Now you have realized that you have no reason to rejoice.
For letting go has proven to be more difficult than you anticipated.
Memories of me infect your mind and heart
Because the love we share has never dissipated.

I know this is not what I desire you see.
For what I truly want, you refuse to give me.
But I can not deny the passion that rages in my heart.
Although I don’t have all of you,
But compared to nothing for now I will settle for just this small part.

Soon, I will require more.
To be the only one is what I long for
I know I will love you ’til the day I die.
But I’m quickly realizing
That chances are, I will end up in the arms of another guy.

 

Unreasonable Love

You say you love me
You claim you care
You said you’d never leave
And that you’d always be there.

But I’m now stuck in the “what ifs?”
I feel as though I’m standing at the edge of a cliff.
Although you mean the world to me
I no longer hold you and you no longer hold me.

I’m having trouble getting through.
‘Cuz I’m so scared of the hurt that will eventually come from you.
I know the risks that I will take.
I just pray I am not making yet another mistake.

The hardest part is dealing with this love I still hold for you.
A love so strong, fortified and true.
You gave me back my desire to love again.
A need that I once thought was gone.
But through the lies and secrets something has gone terribly wrong.

Now once again we are apart.
I feel incomplete and broken.
Confusion and sadness fill my heart.
Was it all lies, every word that was spoken?

The Girl in the Mirror

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
I see a girl who is staring back at me.
I don’t know who she is,
Because she’s not the girl I wanna be.

She puts a smile on,
While inside she is falling apart.
She says, “I’m okay”,
As pain fills her heart.

She pretends not to care,
And dismisses everyone’s worries away.
She hides behind her mask,
And pretends to be okay.

Truth is that she is scared to open up,
She is scared to let them in.
They all turn out the same,
Never really caring in the end.

She is scared to let people close,
It always ends up as heartache.
When she decides to trust someone,
It always ends up as a big mistake.

She feels like a stranger in her own mind,
Like she doesn’t even belong.
She tries the best she can,
But something always seems to go wrong.

She freezes up at the word “love”
People throw it around too much.
Her muscles constrict,
because she is afraid to be touched.

She has ideas for the future,
Hopes and dreams of her own.
But she doesn’t hold her breath,
Because disappointment is all she has ever known.

She asks, “Why am I never good enough”,
“Why am I always second choice”?
People tell her she’s got to stand up for what she wants,
She’s got to find her own voice.

I know who I wanna be,
It’s all now so much clearer.
But the fact of life is,
I’m only this girl in the mirror.

Mantrums and Tantrums

bombardment-clipart-angry_man

 

I consider myself a pretty reasonable person, but from time to time like most people I do get irritated and cranky.  Usually it’s due to some odd pet peeve that I have somehow developed throughout the years. We all have them; little insignificant things that get under our skin. These minor annoyances can change our moods and thus ruin our day.

The other day I was waiting in line at my local Wal-Mart when I saw a man completely flip his lid. This guy had a serious meltdown at Wal-Mart, in front of a lot of people just because an elderly lady cut in front of him in line. He yelled some serious obscenities to this poor woman and shouted, “There’s no butting in line!” He reminded me of how my elementary school students would react when someone tried to cut in front of them in the lunch line; I half expected him to collapse onto the floor punching and kicking.

After witnessing this amazing spectacle I began to try and justify his behavior. Maybe this had been happening to him all day? Or perhaps he was bullied as a child? Or maybe he just doesn’t like little old ladies? Truth is that nothing could have justified that ridiculously childish outburst. He was pitching a fit simply because people who cut in line apparently set him off!

So, I began to wonder what would set me off like that.  What would it take to make me lose my self-control and throw a major bitch fit? After much consideration and in no particular order, this is what I came up with:

  1. People who constantly correct you. Even though I consider myself to be fairly intelligent, (except when it comes to shoes and things that glitter or shine), I am also well aware that I am not perfect. I do acknowledge the fact that on very rare occasions I do make minor mistakes, but pointing them out every freakin’ chance you get is simply not cool.  I am not talking about major blunders, I referring to minor things like accidentally mispronouncing a word when you’re speaking too fast or debating the exact shade of blue the sky happens to be. Basically people who are obnoxious, patronizing and condescending. These types of people will definitely make me lose my cool; heck I might even go as far as throwing them some hand gestures, that’s how much they irk me.
  2. People who talk while you’re trying to watch TV or at the movies. Picture your favorite show, which has been on hiatus for several months, imagine the anticipation you feel after waiting patiently for months to see what happens next. Finally it’s the season premier but, what should have been an awesome night turns into an anxiety ridden nightmare because the people in your household are rude as hell! I experience this quite frequently since I have three teenage sons who all of sudden become helpless babes whenever I happen to be preoccupied. This use to cause me to turn into Incredible Hulk mom, but I
    2806449489_6bd5471915 noticed that they find her amusing, so now I just causally mention that I have housework that needs to be done and how I could really use their help and poof they magically disappear. It’s worse at the movies because let’s face it, a night out at the movies has gotten pretty darn expense these days. Going to the movies has become a rare treat only to have someone ruin it by constantly asking questions, maybe if you paid attention instead of talking the whole time you would know.
  3. When you order at a drive thru and they get your order wrong, forget something, or the food is ice cold. As a working single mom who was also a full time student, this was the worst kind of inconvenience. I had hungry kids to feed and I was extremely limited on time, so I would swing by the drive thru and pick up dinner on my way home. It wouldn’t be until after I got home and my children would assemble around the kitchen table like hungry chicks in a birds nest waiting to be fed, that I would realize that half my order was missing! I would have no time to go back and force them at gunpoint to fix my order, so I had no alternative than to use my motherly superpowers to rectify the situation, which consisted of ordering pizza and ruining my monthly budget in the process.
  4. People who spend way too much money on their kid’s wardrobes and not enough time on parenting. This one goes back to my days in the classroom; some of my best dressed students had no morals or manners at all. These kids would wear clothes with designer labels, but couldn’t say please and thank you and if you followed them home you would be appalled at their living conditions. Usually, it was younger parents who were more preoccupied with their child’s popularity rating than whether or not they would grow up and be productive members of society. Parents with really messed up priorities. What these parents fail to realize is that by not teaching their child discipline, they’re doing their child a huge injustice. When I had these little troublemakers in my class, I would show them extra attention and make them feel special, all the while teaching them how to be respectful. In other words being some sort of surrogate parent to these poor babies. But every time I saw one of these parents I would have to fight the urge to strap them to a chair, tape their eyelids open and force them to watch parenting tutorials, but I am certain that would have cost me my job and quite possibly my freedom.
  5. Mothers who give up their children but still want to claim single parent status. As a true blue bona fide single parent, this irks me to high heaven. I think this bothers me so much because I know this struggle all too well. I have made huge, insurmountable sacrifices for my children and it truly makes me angry when someone whose mother or other family member is raising their child and they assume credit for it. Uh, no I don’t think so! When my kids were younger I was in my twenties and I wanted to go out and have fun like other twenty year olds, but guess what I couldn’t! Just finding a babysitter was huge task, so don’t expect me to feel anything but contempt for you! Don’t misunderstand me, yes it was really tough and often overwhelming but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I am immensely proud of this amazing achievement, I have earned my crown, so don’t come over here and try to stand under my umbrella cause I am not Rhianna, just saying!

These were just a few of the things that would cause me to lose my southern charm and go all foamy at the mouth. Although there are many more, I still don’t think I would go as far as the guy at waiting in line did, but then again I was at Wal-Mart after all.

 

 

Relationship Chameleon

chameleon

A relationship chameleon is what I call people who incorporate or absorb the likes and dislikes of the person they are currently in a relationship with. I understand that it’s important to have things in common with the person you are with, that’s all fine and dandy, but it’s not ok when you start to neglect your own opinions and ideas and start incorporating theirs as your own. A small example of this is switching your favorite football team to the one your partner likes. Seems harmless enough, but if you find yourself doing this too often you might be losing yourself in the relationship. A good example of what I’m talking about is in the movie Runaway Bride, when the character played by Julia Roberts can’t decide on her favorite way of eating eggs, because it changed with each relationship she was in.

Over time, I saw this happen first hand to a close personal friend of mine. My friend is American and in her early 50’s and was married to a man from Chile. At first, it was great to see her so happy and in love. She began to research the country that her husband was from, so much in fact, that she knew more about his country than he did. Although it was admirable that she took that much interest in her husband, the change was dramatic. Slowly she began to abandon her beliefs and likes and adopt his. She picked up his habits, his hobbies, and even began to talk with an accent like him. I wanted to punch her in the throat and snap her out of it, but I wasn’t interested in spending time in jail. Basically, she became completely absorbed in everything that had anything to do with him, yet even then I didn’t see anything too wrong with her behavior.  It wasn’t until I noticed that the more absorbed she became with him, the more she distanced herself from her friends and family, until his world was all she knew. Still as long as she was happy, right or so I thought.

It wasn’t until years later when their marriage ended, that I realized that her interest was not sincere. Once they were divorced it all ended, the interest was no more. Then, she began to date a man from Mexico and started to display the very same obsessive behavior again; I realized then that she was a relationship chameleon. She basically re-invents herself with each new relationship in hopes that it will make her more appealing to her partner.

Having something in common with someone you love is wonderful, it definitely brings you closer together as long as it’s truly sincere. Getting to know your partner’s likes and dislikes shows them that you value their opinion and that you are truly interested in their life and in their point of view. Where things get a little hazy is when you start becoming a completely new person with each new relationship. Ultimately forgetting who you truly are, this breeds contempt and unhappiness. So be true to yourself, because your flaws and quirks is what make you interesting and an individual. It’s probably the reason why your partner was attracted to you, and why they fell in love with you to begin with.  Be you, be crazy, be unpredictable and love who you are, if the object of your affection isn’t interested, then  simply say “Next”!

Whether you agree or disagree with me I’d love to hear your opinion and input, so feel free to comment.

 

The Liebster Award

liebster2

 

To my surprise, I was nominated by Tealight Taylor for Liebster Award. First and foremost, to Tealight Taylor, I’d like to say thank you so very much!  To say I am honored is an understatement. I just started my blog and frankly, I wasn’t too confident that anyone would read it, let alone nominate me for an award. I’m stoked and excited for this opportunity to get better acquainted with the blogging community.

What is the Liebster Award you ask? Well according to what I have read it is an award created by a German blogger in 2010. Its purpose is to bring bloggers together and to promote bloggers with fewer than 200 followers. To be nominated is a huge opportunity to promote your blog and to get to know your fellow bloggers.

The revised official rules are as follows:

  • Post the award on your blog. For a more extensive look at this award check out, wording well. 
  • Thank the blogger who presented this award and link back to their blog.
  •  Write 11 random facts about yourself.
  • Nominate 11 bloggers who you feel deserve this award and who have less than 200 followers.
  • Answer 11 questions posted by the presenter and ask your nominees 11 questions

 

Eleven facts about me:

  1. This is my very first blog. I know it’s hard to believe but, yes I am not a professional blogger! Wow right?
  2. Quite often I tend to use sarcasm as my favorite form of expression, as shown above.
  3. I grew up in Florida on a small farm. This helped me to develop a love of animals and nature.
  4. I used to work for the local school district for over 10 years. I miss working with the kids in the classroom and can’t wait to return someday.
  5. I have an unholy and rather out of control obsession with the AMC show, The Walking Dead. The new season premier is equivalent to a holiday in my household.
  6. In 2009 I was reunited with my father after he was presumed dead for 20 years. You can only imagine my shock, but it did give me a second chance to improve my almost nonexistent relationship with him, so that’s a plus.
  7. My trusted companion is my Pomchi, Scout. I named her after the little girl in, To Kill a Mockingbird, one of my all-time favorite books. She is very ornery and sassy, but extremely loyal, plus she loves watching The Walking Dead with me!
  8. I am a huge fan of Sci-Fi, fantasy, and horror. I look forward to attending this year’s Animate Miami comic convention, where I am planning to help my son with his first cosplay costume.
  9. I plan on returning to college soon to pursue my Master’s in Psychology.
  10. Also in 2009, that was a very interesting year for me, I slipped into a coma for over 8 weeks and when I awoke I discovered that due to atrophy I was completely paralyzed from the neck down. It took me months to rebuild my muscle. While at the hospital undergoing rehab training to regain my ability to move, I would listen to my iPod and imagine myself in 80’s film montage to help keep me motivated.
  11. I absolutely adore reading, books are my first true love and I would rather have no TV but plenty to read than vice-versa.

 

Eleven Questions Asked by Tealight Taylor:

 

Q: Who or What inspired you to start blogging?

 A: I started this blog as a creative outlet, in hopes that it would help silence the ever present voices in my head, so far it’s not working but, I am enjoying myself, regardless. Plus, the voices have really good information to contribute, so it’s all good.

 Q: What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

 A: Coffee is the first instinctual thing I think about when I first wake up. Once that’s taken care of, I then think about getting my children up and going.

Q. If you could write yourself as a character in a film or book what would be your most annoying quality?

 A. (Awesome question by the way) my most annoying quality would probably be my bossiness. I am a self-confessed control freak and I can get quite irritated when I feel like things are beyond my control. I am bossy at times, but I am also reasonable and fair.

 Q. Following the last question, what would be your most lovable quality?

 A. My most endearing quality would have to be my tenacity and the way I use sarcasm and humor to belittle a problem and conquer it. Having faced some horrors in my life, I’ve learned to never give up and never surrender! I use humor and sarcasm so that I don’t get intimidated by overwhelming odds. Without fear and despair, you’d be amazed at what you can accomplish.

 QIf you were to pick up that book with that character as the protagonist, would you like that character? 

A. I am not sure if I would necessarily like that character but, he/she would definitely make it a colorful and interesting read.

 Q. When was the last time you did something spontaneous and what was it?

 A. The last time I did something spontaneous was just before my open heart surgery. Two days before I was to have my chest sawed open I decided I wanted to go to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights. So, I packed up my oxygen tanks grabbed my comfy shoes and made the four hour drive and had the time of my life!

 Q. What was the last book or film you saw or read that left you speechless or in awe for days and why did it?

 A. This was a tough question to answer, because there have been so many. To simplify the answer I would have to say that the movie “Lone Survivor” was definitely an eye opener. The physical and emotional challenges in this movie leave you speechless. I personally feel that the book is much more intimate and detailed but, seeing it on the big screen leaves you with an unbelievable sense of pride, patriotism and huge respect for what an American solider is capable of.

 Q. Have you ever considered writing a book and what would it be called?

 A. Yes I have, ever since I was 13 years old and I read “The Outsiders” by S.E. Hinton for the first time. The author was just a kid around my age when she wrote this book and that greatly inspired me. I knew then that I wanted to be a writer. I have come up with a good title for my book if I get around to writing one but it will probably be one word such as “Kismet”.

 Q. Do you have a role model, who?

 A. My role model is definitely my grandmother. Although she passed away six years, I can still hear her words of wisdom resonating in my mind every day.

 Q. Have you ever continuously done something out of your com for zone, what was it and how did you feel afterwards?

 AStarting this blog was definitely out of my comfort zone. Up until then, I kept my writing private and only allowed certain people within my inner circle to read it. I am glad that I have made the effort to express myself in a more public venue. I feel empowered and encouraged.

 Q. Looking back at the start of your blog to now, have you changed in anyway, has your writing style changed and how?

 A. Looking back, I feel I have become more open to ideas, constructive criticism, and feedback. My writing style is ever evolving and I have a feeling it will change quite a bit as I become a more experienced writer.

 

The Blogs I nominate are as follows:

 

86,400 Seconds

Life as Lisa knows it

Pixie Dust Beach

An Open Diary of a Curious Girl

HushedMusings

Living my choice

The lightning tree blog

InTrend Post

 

Eleven questions I would like the nominees to answer.

 

  1. Why did you start your blog? 
  2. Who or what is your greatest inspiration?
  3. What is your favorite genre of books or movies and why?
  4. If you were given the opportunity to host your own talk show what would you discuss with your guest?
  5. If you were given the means to make a difference in the world, what worldwide problem would you decide to challenge and why?
  6. Where were you born and raised and if given the choice where would you prefer to have been born and raised?
  7. What part of world would like to visit?
  8. What is your favorite time of the year and why?
  9. Name one crisis you overcame and how?
  10. Describe your idea of the perfect day?
  11. Name one thing you plan on accomplishing before you die and why?

 

Thank you for your participation and happy blogging!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s go Fishing…for compliments?

Recently I was pre-dating this guy. I use the made up term pre-dating because we weren’t officially dating since we never saw each other due to conflicting schedules. We mostly just talked, text and messaged each other. He described himself as an avid fisherman and hunter; a mechanic by trade. He was a large man who was recently divorced with an adult child. At first he was extremely polite, very sweet, and very romantic but the more I got to know him the less I liked him.

The first thing I noticed was that he was constantly seeking sympathy. He would constantly complain about his job and how much stress it was. At first I sympathized, but the more he complained the more I realized that his stress was self-induced. This surprised me because he was older and I expected a higher level of maturity from a man his age. He would say that the job had already given him a heart attack, and that he was close to getting a second heart attack. He complained about the poor pay and how incompetent his employees were. The complained about how his ex-wife did him so dirty. How she took him for all he had and was taking him to court for more. He complained about how his adult son, an unemployed student would leave the house a mess and spent his money faster than he made it. The more advice I would give him the more excuses he came up with, I stopped.

The second issue I had with him was that he was always sending me pictures and asking my opinion. If I said something simple like, “that’s very nice”, he would say, “only nice?” He was constantly asking me if I thought he was handsome and if I liked the sound of his voice. I found myself becoming less sincere in my compliments and some occasions flat out lying. The final straw came when he began to get annoyed with me because I didn’t text him as often as he text me. If my responses were less than four words he would be disappointed. If I didn’t text at all he would text me worried asking if I was alright and why hadn’t I contacted him in twelve hours. Keep in mind that we were just pre-dating. You know, that awkward period where you’re still debating whether to date a person or not. Well needless to say, I decided not to officially date him.

Now looking back on the incident I feel that perhaps I was a little harsh. Not that I’d still ever date him, just maybe I was a little too judgmental. After thinking about it a bit I realized that I had done all of those very same things at one point or another. Although in my defense I was fully relationship not just in the getting to know you stage. In the beginning this other guy I use to date was very sweet and complimented me often, then he became the complete opposite; he never ever complimented me on anything. He also often ignored my text and I felt that if I didn’t text him he would never text me. I remember getting annoyed when I would text him a long message and he would give me a one word response or just LOL.

Over time I began to question whether or not he was even attracted to me. I found myself throwing hints trying to get him to compliment me, in other words fishing for compliments. Each time I vowed to never do it again, but I couldn’t help it. I would end up doing it over and over again and before I knew it my self-esteem began to suffer a little. Then I wondered, why should what he thinks of me affect how I feel about myself? It didn’t and I knew this, but I still felt insecure in the relationship, which gave me anxiety and ultimately lead us to breaking up. I realized that I need to know where I stand in a relationship. I don’t want to guess, I want to know exactly how my partner feels. If I have to start fishing for compliments then maybe it’s time to throw that fish back in the sea and hope I’ll find one that’s not crazy and that doesn’t keep me guessing.

Do you know the path to your happy ending?

How many times have we done things we know we will later regret, yet we do it anyways? I do constantly. I know my instincts have never led me astray, yet I continually ignore the red flags and the feelings in the pit of my stomach that I know are screaming, “STOP”.  Most of these mistakes are done in the name of love. Consciously, I know better but my flawed humanity and eternal optimism makes me feel adventurous and I tend to throw caution to the wind and follow my heart. I follow it straight to heartache.

Sadly after numerous disappointments, I’ve come to the disturbing realization that my heart cannot be trusted. It’s soft and lustful and still believes in fairy tale endings. My mind, on the other hand, is quite powerful in its own right. Logical and stubborn, yet it recognizes that without a happy heart, life is dull and pointless. So the epic power struggle continues. Will there ever be peace between my heart and my mind? Ugh, probably not!

Having had a challenging childhood, I often asked myself why me? Tragedy after tragedy, threaten to damage my delicate childhood psyche.  So my mind came up with a theory to get me through the rough patches in my life. I told myself that every single human has to endure a certain amount of pain in life, unavoidable and inescapable. All of us have to suffer at some point, the rich, the poor, the pretty, the unattractive, the fat, the thin, it didn’t matter what race, sex, or social status, it’s like a birth right bestowed upon us by God. All of us have a certain amount of suffering attached to us at birth, like a price tag; I called it the human burden. Pain and suffering were mere tools that God uses to teach us and to help us develop into a better and stronger race of people. Keep in mind that this is how my mind made sense of the tragedies I was cursed with as a child. This is how I saw it; I was just getting all of my pain and suffering outta the way early which meant that the rest of my life was going to be blissful and magical. Needless, to say I was wrong! So wrong, in so many ways, but at that particular moment in my life, it helped me cope.

As I approached adulthood and the pain and suffering did not end as I imagined it would, I began to take a deeper look inside myself to try and find the answers. That’s when I realized that all or at least most of my misfortune I suffered as an adult, I brought on myself.  I submitted myself to lust and vanity, it made me happy for short time, but inevitably shame and disappointment soon followed. That’s when I asked myself a question that would ultimately change my life; I asked myself what would it take to make me happy? And you know what, I didn’t know!  I took me years, yes years, to figure out what it was I truly wanted in a partner and especially outta life.

 Truth is that when all the cards are on the table so few of us actually truly know what we require in a partner and what exactly we want outta life itself. How well do you know yourself? How many times have you felt positive a certain thing would bring us undying happiness only to later realize we were wrong?  Often the things we love, also threaten to destroy us. Often the pursuit of these superficial things is what seals our fate. It is my belief that in order to truly find happiness and tranquility in our lives we must first do some serious soul searching and get intimate with our selves.

We must take long unbiased and extremely intrusive looks into our hearts and minds and discover what will make us truly happy and what the deal breakers are. In a nation where we research things like how many calories we burn during sex, and what the average size penis is, maybe, just maybe we should put forth a little more effort in researching own hearts and souls in hope that we will finally discover the key to what will bring us a truly happy and fulfilling life.  No more flocking together to achieve goals set by others, get to know yourself. Learn what your heart longs for and what your mind desires. Be that one goose that refuses to join the flock, the one that changes direction and flies off on its own journey of self-discovery.

Huh? What is this “fortuitous wisdom” she speaks of?

I have always pictured my brain to be like a huge file cabinet with many, many drawers. All the drawers are over flowing with overstuffed folders and loose pages spilling over onto the ground. I’ll admit most of the drawers are filled with useless and frivolous information things like, how to keep an earring in after losing the back or how a wooden spoon placed over a boiling pot keeps the water from overflowing. Things our mind deem useful, yet we never really use them.

Unfortunately, for me I am a thought hoarder, my brain holds on to EVERYTHING!! How do I cope? Well, I tend to forget the small stuff, well at least the stuff my unusual and often unruly brain decides is useless, like deciphering my left from my right, which is something I still have to think about. Sadly, sometimes even having to go as far as pretending to write my name in the air just to remember which hand is my right hand. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t consider myself a complete idiot, at least not all the time, but I do often question my high IQ.

On paper, I am considered to have an above average intelligence, yet I make some of the most menial and obvious mistakes, that I question whether or not I have some kind of learning disability when it comes to life. The more I ponder the more I realize that I have learned more about life and about myself, not by making the right decision straight outta the gate, but by making a lot of bad choices with good intentions.

Now that I am in my forties, I realize I have an opinion about a lot of issues, mostly due to all the mistakes I’ve made through the years. I call this fortuitous wisdom, or wisdom gained by knowing what “not” to do. I like this idea it makes all my mistakes not really mistakes after all but opportunities to learn, not just about myself but about life in general.

I started this blog to share all my fortuitous wisdom with the world and to give everyone a chance to also share with the world the knowledge we have all gained by being this wonderful and amazing thing called human.