How many times have we done things we know we will later regret, yet we do it anyways? I do constantly. I know my instincts have never led me astray, yet I continually ignore the red flags and the feelings in the pit of my stomach that I know are screaming, “STOP”. Most of these mistakes are done in the name of love. Consciously, I know better but my flawed humanity and eternal optimism makes me feel adventurous and I tend to throw caution to the wind and follow my heart. I follow it straight to heartache.
Sadly after numerous disappointments, I’ve come to the disturbing realization that my heart cannot be trusted. It’s soft and lustful and still believes in fairy tale endings. My mind, on the other hand, is quite powerful in its own right. Logical and stubborn, yet it recognizes that without a happy heart, life is dull and pointless. So the epic power struggle continues. Will there ever be peace between my heart and my mind? Ugh, probably not!
Having had a challenging childhood, I often asked myself why me? Tragedy after tragedy, threaten to damage my delicate childhood psyche. So my mind came up with a theory to get me through the rough patches in my life. I told myself that every single human has to endure a certain amount of pain in life, unavoidable and inescapable. All of us have to suffer at some point, the rich, the poor, the pretty, the unattractive, the fat, the thin, it didn’t matter what race, sex, or social status, it’s like a birth right bestowed upon us by God. All of us have a certain amount of suffering attached to us at birth, like a price tag; I called it the human burden. Pain and suffering were mere tools that God uses to teach us and to help us develop into a better and stronger race of people. Keep in mind that this is how my mind made sense of the tragedies I was cursed with as a child. This is how I saw it; I was just getting all of my pain and suffering outta the way early which meant that the rest of my life was going to be blissful and magical. Needless, to say I was wrong! So wrong, in so many ways, but at that particular moment in my life, it helped me cope.
As I approached adulthood and the pain and suffering did not end as I imagined it would, I began to take a deeper look inside myself to try and find the answers. That’s when I realized that all or at least most of my misfortune I suffered as an adult, I brought on myself. I submitted myself to lust and vanity, it made me happy for short time, but inevitably shame and disappointment soon followed. That’s when I asked myself a question that would ultimately change my life; I asked myself what would it take to make me happy? And you know what, I didn’t know! I took me years, yes years, to figure out what it was I truly wanted in a partner and especially outta life.
Truth is that when all the cards are on the table so few of us actually truly know what we require in a partner and what exactly we want outta life itself. How well do you know yourself? How many times have you felt positive a certain thing would bring us undying happiness only to later realize we were wrong? Often the things we love, also threaten to destroy us. Often the pursuit of these superficial things is what seals our fate. It is my belief that in order to truly find happiness and tranquility in our lives we must first do some serious soul searching and get intimate with our selves.
We must take long unbiased and extremely intrusive looks into our hearts and minds and discover what will make us truly happy and what the deal breakers are. In a nation where we research things like how many calories we burn during sex, and what the average size penis is, maybe, just maybe we should put forth a little more effort in researching own hearts and souls in hope that we will finally discover the key to what will bring us a truly happy and fulfilling life. No more flocking together to achieve goals set by others, get to know yourself. Learn what your heart longs for and what your mind desires. Be that one goose that refuses to join the flock, the one that changes direction and flies off on its own journey of self-discovery.